A Savior is Born

For years I have hated Christmas and everything having to do with it. My family never had the money to afford a nice Christmas. I remember growing up watching my mom with tears in her eyes try to figure out what to give to her family with what little money she had saved throughout the year. She always felt inadequate because compared to her siblings we were cheap and ungiving. I remember always getting elaborate expensive gifts from my aunt and beautiful art kits from my uncle. My grandparents would always make sure I got everything I wanted and my parents would get me things that I needed and then there was always the one big gift that they would scrounge to be able to buy. One year it was a new TV for my room, another it was my new laptop. Looking back now I realize it was never about the gifts or how expensive they were it was about family and giving from the heart even when you have very little to give. 

The commercialism of Christmas is what made me hate the holiday. I couldn't see past money and objects to what really mattered. Christmas isn't supposed to be a time for stress or worry, it should be a time to focus on the savior. Christ came to earth to redeem and save all man kind. His birth was the greatest gift the world had ever received and it wasn't worth anything monetary. The value of the saviors birth is measured in love. God loved his children so much that he couldn't stand for us to not be with him again so he sent his only begotten son to pay the ultimate price so that we could all live again. 

This year is the first Christmas that I haven't struggled. I have been able to give and receive freely and to truly enjoy myself. My focus hasn't been on how much an item costs it has been on the person the item is going to and what they need. I put in countless hours of work to make Christmas cookies for friends and co workers, and not once did I think about the cost of the ingredients or my time the only thing I could think about was the smiles on their faces when they received a plate of homemade cookies. 

I didn't realize it until today sitting in sacrament meeting that my perspective changed this year. It wasn't monetary it was love just like the gift of the savior. As we celebrate Christmas let us remember that HE is the reason for the season. Don't get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of buying the most expensive gifts that you forget that the best gift ever given was love. The pure love of a father for his children. This year I have given out of love and seen my life and the lives of those around me affected in ways I never imagined. I wish all of you a very merry christmas and hope that you too can find Christ in Christmas.

Faltering faith

Have any of you ever felt like your testimony is lacking or like you aren't sure God is even listening to you? Me too. It's hard when you don't feel spiritually strong enough to withstand the trials that are given to you, or when you feel like you're alone and struggling. For me, right now I feel weighed down. As some of you are aware I struggle with bipolar which causes me to go through moments of extreme happiness and energy to moments of extreme sadness and lethargy. This has been an ongoing battle for me for quite some time. However, if it wasn't bad enough I also suffer from extreme anxiety and get severe panic attacks. When everyday trials are added onto this it makes me feel worthless because I don't feel like a lot of the times Heavenly father is answering me. I feel alone and lost in the dark. My faith doesn't seem like it's strong enough to get me through the trials I face but over the last three years since my baptism I've learned something; even the smallest amount of faith makes a difference.

Everyone's faith will occasionally falter or fall short of where they want it to be but that doesn't mean to give up. Acting on even an ounce of faith allows God to guide us and strengthen us. Even though I feel weighed down and heavy I know that the tiniest amount of faith will bless me. We are not meant to be perfect, we are allowed to doubt, to make mistakes, and to feel unfaithful. however, none of that means that we can make it through this life on our own. Faith is the rock that life should be built upon.
                     
So if your faith ever falters or you doubt what you believe, IT'S OK! but that doesn't mean it's ok to give up. Turn to God when you feel this way. Ask him for his help and for the knowledge and strength you need. I can almost guarantee that if you do this with a true heart he will hear you and he will bless you. We are hear to learn and that includes learning how to have faith.

Growing up, I never thought of myself as someone who needed faith. I could face the world all by myself. I learned the hard way after 20 years of sorrow, hardship, and heartache that I couldn't do it on my own. Once I turned to God, and showed an ounce of faith in him, he showed me how beautiful life truly is. Now does that mean I've never doubted him since? No, it doesn't because I have had my fair share of doubts but not once have I let those doubts drag me away from what I know to be true.
                                         

I am a daughter of God and he loves me. My soul is of great worth and no matter how far I think I've gone down the wrong path I have never gone to far to be beyond his reach. To access the blessings of the atonement and of eternity all I have to do is show an ounce of faith and God will magnify my efforts into something I didn't even know was possible.

A rush of revelation

This week as I was study general conference I came across a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson that has been resonating with me ever since.

            "the most memorable moments in life are those in which we feel the rush of revelation"

Now I don't know about any of you but I can vividly remember quite a few of the revelations I have received. One of the most memorable is what started this whole crazy journey to begin with. The revelation I had sitting by my moms hospital bed, unsure of whether or not she would make it. I remember so clearly the feeling of peace after my first prayer and the knowledge I suddenly had that no matter what it would all be ok. At the time I didn't know about eternal families or the kingdoms of glory all I had ever known was that there was a heaven and a hell and you weren't guaranteed into heaven or even to see the people you love again.

What an amazing thing it was for me to know without a shadow of a doubt, after only one prayer, that it would all be ok. That there was more to this life than I ever thought possible. Heavenly father KNEW ME and what I needed at that exact moment even though I didn't know him and had never followed his ways. Revelation isn't just given to those who are steadfast and immovable on the path to righteousness. It is given to anyone the Lord sees fit to help. He cares so deeply for all of his children and wishes for us all to return to him. Sometimes the only way to get through to a hard heart is to give them a revelation like he gave to me.

I never imagined myself as the type of person who needed religion or needed anyone besides myself. Boy, was I ever wrong. Ever since my conversion 3.5 years ago things have changed so much and I owe it all to God. Without him my life was empty and I struggled to find purpose but now I know that I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. I have amazing worth in his eyes so therefore no one else's opinions of me matter. I was sent here for a purpose and I feel like that purpose was exactly this, to share my story with the world.

Revelation often comes only when we seek for it like I did in my moms hospital room but on some occasions what God needs to tell us is so important that he pushes it through the the front of our thoughts. About a month ago I was traveling with my inlaws to Lake Tahoe. My husband had to work so he stayed behind as we all went off to have a fun vacation. Shortly after we left I was curled up in the back seat of their chevy suburban and could not seem to get comfortable so I unhooked my seatbelt and was finally able to fall asleep. The revelation I had in my dream is still so vivid to me know that I can't believe what occured.

3 years of baptism, 2 years of endowment and a Solemn assembly

March 28, 2015- this was the day that my life changed forever. That day 3 years ago was when I entered the waters of baptism and my life has been forever changed since. Words cannot even begin to express how grateful I am for that day and every day since. When I found the gospel my life changed. I went from being sad and not wanting to be alive to having purpose to go on and knowledge that there was a purpose and a plan for my life. I came to know Heavenly father and my savior personally. I found the love that they have for me and learned to rely on them when I felt to weak to go on. No, all my problems didn't go away and my life hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies, but what it has been is beautiful. Hard times still come, they always will, but now I have the strength to make it through those trials. My strength comes from relying on my faith and my savior. I am so grateful for the gospel and everything it has brought me. I would not be close to the person I am now if it had not been for my discovery of the gospel.

March 31,2016- one year and three days from the day I got baptized. Another amazing milestone in my life. This was the day that I entered the temple for the fist time to receive my own endowment.For those of you that don't know what an endowment is, it is another ordinance like baptism that helps to bring me closer to the Lord. I remember the day so vividly. Zach and his family were there along with one of my elders who had just returned home the day prior. The spirit in the temple was so strong that I could feel it in every part of my body. It was electrifying. I made a promise with God that day that i strive to keep everyday of my life. After going that first time to the temple, I've gone countless times since. I love the temple, and the spirit and clarity I feel there. I am so grateful to live so close to so many temples that I can go every week and receive it's blessings.  

March 31, 2018- This past weekend was incredible. I always love the spirit I feel during general conference but I wasn't sure how this one was going to go. President Monson had passed away in the beginning of January and we had a new prophet, President Nelson. Having only been a member for 3 years President Monson was the only prophet I've ever known. I loved him and his council that he gave so when he died I wasn't sure how to feel about President Nelson. Any doubts I may have had about our new prophet were put to rest on Saturday during the solemn assembly. When we sustained him and the apostles I felt the spirit bear record to me that I was witnessing Gods will and history being made. When I heard President Nelson speak for the first time as our Prophet I couldn't pull my eyes from the TV I was hanging on every word as he spoke them. I am so grateful for the testimony that the spirit has given me and for the faith that I have to believe. I am so excited to see what comes from President Nelson.

“The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything do to with the focus of our lives.”— President Russell M. Nelson, “Joy and Spiritual Survival”

Receiving Heavens help: Specific angels

When I was first baptized I thought that Mormons didn't believe in angels because they're not talked about very much but after my mom died I learned otherwise. I learned that the spirit world is here around us, so the ones we love who have passed on are never to far away. A few weeks ago a brother in my ward gave a talk about how we can call on specific angels to help us in our times of need. When we pray Jesus doesn't always come to answer them all and neither does Heavenly father. So in times when they don't answer, who does? The answer is simple. Angels do. I had an incredible experience last week that proved to me Angels are sent to help us. I have been going through some rough patches with work, Zach, and my depression. So when Zach and I went to the temple it felt like the perfect time to ask God for help.

 

As we sat in the Celestial room at the Draper temple I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer. 'Heavenly father if you're listening I beg of you to help me... to forgive me... I feel so lost. I love the people at work but it gives me panic attacks thinking about going. I love Zach but we don't always see eye to eye... I beg you to help me. To comfort me. Help me through this trial and allow me to know that it will be ok.' As I finished the prayer and opened my eyes I began to cry. I could feel my mom comforting me from the other side of the veil. In that moment I knew I would be ok, she was always with me to help me anytime I needed. It's an amazing feeling to know that even death cannot separate us. I miss my mom more than I can ever express but moments like that in the temple when I feel her near me remind me that she's never truly gone.

 She's my guardian angel. Heavenly father knew he couldn't always be there in person for each one of his children so he chose to rely on angels to help him in his work and someday each of us will get to be one of his angels too. Until then though I will continue to seek the help of my angels all around me. 

Trials and Triumph

        In the LDS faith we hear a lot about trials, but what are trials? a trial is defined as a test of a person or object. So effectively we are taught that god sends us here to test us. Everyone is tested in different ways. some people go through trials that are much harder than the trials that others face but that does not mean that others do not have trials of their own. Recently I have been going through quite a few trials, one on top of the other. It seems like it will never end. Then today I hit my breaking point... I questioned Gods love for me. I went twenty years of my life without God and struggled just as much as I am now, so whats the point in believing in someone who doesn't want to help me? I felt as if my prayers were going unanswered and that I just couldn't fight anymore. Then my husband sent me a picture that reminded me why I believe.

I have done some very stupid things in my life but yet I was somehow still found worthy to be baptized and after baptism I still struggle with some of my old bad habits, but has Heavenly Father given up on me? NO! and I do not believe he will. There are times we may not feel he is there or that he is listening but he always knows us and our struggles. I know that sometimes I will have to walk in the dark toward him, trusting that he will not let me fall too far. Having faith in God is more than just trusting him it's also trusting in his timing. This is such a hard concept for me because I am not a patient person. I have never enjoyed waiting, I'm the type of person who wants everything to happen right now, but my faith has resigned me to trust in the Lords timing. 

        For the background on one of my major trials recently is that I injured my back at work in June and have had troubles with it ever since but no one seems to believe me that it actually hurts. I've had people treat me like I'm a liar and talk about me behind my back. They've treated me like I don't have feelings at all. I in turn went to Heavenly Father for help but I could not feel him, and felt like my prayers were going unanswered. I cried out loud, screaming for him to help me. Hadn't I already been through enough in my life? What more do you possibly have to teach me? Why have you abandoned me? I have no fight left in me, what more do you want! However, yelling at God didn't help anyone. It was only after I was quiet and listened that I got my answer. 

     He hadn't abandoned me. I simply hadn't been listening. How often do we not listen if it's not what we want to hear? I know I've pushed off a prompting from the Lord before because it didn't fit in "my" schedule. what many of us fail to realize though is that we aren't here on our schedule, we're here on the Lords. We were sent to earth to learn so that we could return to him but how are we supposed to learn when we won't listen to the teacher? The simple answer to this is you will struggle and barely pass or you will fail miserably. So why not just listen to our teacher and trust him in all that we do. 

    Don't ever give up on God because he will not give up on you. No matter how far out of reach you are, you are never to far for him to help. I testify that Heavenly Father truly does hear and answer every child's prayer, we just have to be willing to listen and obey. 

Missionaries and Memories

Today marks a very bittersweet moment for me. As many of you know I am a convert to the LDS church. I was baptized almost 3 years ago, on March 28, 2015. At the time of my baptism I lived in a small town in Pennsylvania, then just over a year ago I moved 1,800 miles across the country to Utah. In my time before I moved I met with twelve different Missionaries who helped to teach me the gospel. Today the last one of those Missionaries serving in the field gave his homecoming talk and I was privileged enough to be there. My my journey began in December of 2014 when I met Elder Howell and Elder Banks. This was my first set of missionaries and they opened my life up to the gospel. These two taught me to pray when I didn't know how, they gave me my first blessing when I was upset and worried about my mom, and they gave me my first copy of the book of mormon. I am so grateful for them bringing the gospel into my life, without it I would not be the person that I am today.

After Elder Howell left we got  Elder whipple, unfortunately he's one of the Missionaries I am no longer in contact with but he did play a wonderful part in my story. He helped me to learn that I could be forgiven, that my past no longer mattered as long as I chose to repent.

Elder Banks and Elder Whipple both left after a short time. And the next two missionaries are my favorites because they baptized me (and one of them is now my husband) Elder Thurtle and Elder Muir spent the most special day of my life with me. I will never forget how it felt to be pulled out of that water and to be completely clean. I was happier than I ever remember being. Elder Thurtle had been sick for a while but stuck around until after my baptism then he went home to get well. After my baptism I began the new member lessons and started to grow even more in my faith.

Elder Little arrived and taught me with Elder Muir. In June of 2015 Elder Muir completed his mission and we were sent Elder Isom. Elder Little and Elder Isom share another very special memory with me, they took me to the temple for the first time. The three of us along with another convert and a member of our ward made the three hour drive to Palmyra, New York to do baptisms for the dead and walk through the sacred grove. Let me just say that after feeling the spirit in the sacred grove i have such an amazing testimony of the restoration.

After Elder Little left we got Elder Ivie who didn't stay long because he almost cut off his foot with a lawn mower, but while he was there he gave me such a good love for service to others.

To this day Elders Little, Isom, And Ivie are close to my heart because they helped me to understand the consequence of gossip and what it truly meant to follow the commandments. My last four Missionaries helped me to become a member missionary and share my story with other investigators and struggling members. These four were Elder Ashton, Elder Bates, Elder Aitken, and Elder Boyes. Elder Ashton went home the week of the April general conference in 2016 which was also the week that I was flying to Utah to get my Endowment. He was there for me when I went through the temple along with Elder Muir and his family.

This day meant so much to me to know that these boys cared enough about me to be a part of something so special for me. I have attended the homecomings of both Elder Aitken and Elder Boyes who have both come home within the last six months.

Elder Aitken tells me that I'm such an inspiration because of my love and dedication to the gospel.

Elder Bates has my favorite Christmas memory, but I can't share that now. It's a story for another time.

All of my missionaries at one point or another have been there for me when I needed them but none quite to the extreme of Elder Banks who drove 8 hours to be at the draper temple for my wedding. Only to have to drive 8 hours back just to be at work that same night. He truly showed me that I had made a friend for a lifetime.

My Missionaries have shared in my story but they also share in my love. I am so grateful for my Missionaries and for what they have done for me. I cherish these boys and the memories they've given me.

When I hit my one year baptism anniversary I made this video for my missionaries, I hope you all enjoy it as well :)