Loss and Testimony

This post is going to be very personal for me. It starts in my past but includes some very recent experiences  and I felt that I wanted to share it with all of you. Growing up my Nana was the most important person in my life. Her and my papa raised me while my parents worked. In February of 2007 she died. Now at this point I had already stopped going to church but I still believed, if that makes any sense, but when she died in blamed God for taking her from me. I was so mad and hurt by him that I turned away from religion all together and hardened my heart to God. I thought I would never need religion again, I was happy with out it. Then a little over 18 months ago that opinion changed. The first conversation I ever had about religion with a missionary was the plan of salvation. After I heard this and had some things happen shortly there after I was hooked. Now this is where kit gets hard for me to write. Two weeks ago my mom passed away. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye and I have so many regrets and things I wish I could change. However, this situation was different. Instead of turning away from God like I did with Nana I relied on him more heavily to bear my burden. I realized yesterday during church that going through this trial has strengthened my testimony. Because of the plan of salvation I know that she's not permanently gone, that someday I wil, get to see her again. I know that she isn't suffering now. I know she is well and happy. She is learning the gospel and a year from now I will be able to take her name to the temple and do her work. Then as long as I am good and work hard I will be able to see her and my grandparents and my family again and spend forever with them. Relying on heavenly father and my savior made this trial easier for me. Does it still hurt? Yes, but not as much as it would if I didn't have my knowledge of the gospel. I am so great full for my savior, the gospel, and the missionaries who have taught me about God's great plan for us. I testify to each of you that when we lose someone they are never truly gone. Families are forever and as long as you live up to your covenants you will see them again. Do we all still have burdens to bear, yes. But heavenly father will lighten the  and help you overcome. He is my strength and my light.

Second chances

One of my most favorite talks ever is His grace is sufficient by Brad Wilcox. It was given at a byu devotional a few years ago but to me it still has one of the most powerful messages. We can be forgiven, no matter how far gone we think we are. Before I get into the talk let me first start by saying how grateful I am that through the atonement we are all granted second chances. President Monson once said, " One of God's greatest gifts to us is the joy of trying again. For no failure ever need be final." I know personally I have had my fair share of mistakes and have done things in my past that I’m not particularly proud of. There was a time not so long ago that I thought I couldn’t be forgiven for some of the things I had done but then I found the gospel and came to understand how wrong I was.
Anyways back to the talk. It opens with the story of a lady who did not understand what grace was. The speaker tells the lady that Christ paid our debt in full, not all but a few coins, he truly paid it all. All we are asked in return is to show faith in him , repent, make and keep covenants, receive the holy ghost, and endure to the end. That doesn’t seem to bad right? But for some people who don’t truly understand gods grace this can seem kind of impossible. So to help people better understand the speaker compares it to a child learning to play piano. The mom pays for the lessons and only asks for practice in return from the child. Sounds familiar right? Well, the child's practice shows gratitude for what the mom has done and the mom finds joy in seeing her gift used. If the child sees practice as being to hard maybe it's because they do not understand or see with their moms eyes how much better their life could be with practice. The purpose of practice is change. There are never just two options in learning music. It's not a difference between playing at Carnegie Hall or not playing at all. It's about playing the best you can and to just keep practicing. Growth, development, and change all take time. Just like with music, spiritual change is the same way.
None of us is perfect. We all sin and we all make mistakes. I  know that I am far from perfect and that I make mistakes everyday but thanks to the atonement I'm able to have another chance to try again and so are all of you. Many times people fall into the trap of thinking I messed up I’m not good enough anymore, or this is to hard. These people are being taken down into darkness but as Elder Stanfill said, "there is no darkness so dense, so menacing, or so difficult that it cannot be overcome by light." We all make mistakes but there is always a way back to heavenly father. Giving up should never be an option when we have something as wonderful as the atonement.
In October 2011 Elder Holland said, "whoever you are and whatever you have done, you can be forgiven. Every one of you young men can leave behind any transgression with which you may struggle. It is the miracle of forgiveness; it is the miracle of the atonement of the lord Jesus Christ." Now I know that this was directed towards the young men but I believe it applies to every one of us. And how great is that to hear! That we can be forgiven no matter what? To me that is the greatest gift we have ever been given. I’m far from perfect but I am still trying just like I hope all of you are still trying. Our mistakes don’t define us, they help us to learn but do not need to weigh us down. When we repent, through gods grace that weight is gone. Yes the memory remains but only so that we know never to make that same mistake again. We grow, learn, and move forward with heavenly father’s help. I am so great full that we have the atonement and that I was given a second  chance. My mistakes don’t define who I am. They are a part of my past but they’re not a part of me anymore.

True conversion

I read an article a while ago that said there are three types of converts. The first type is converted to the missionaries, they like having them around for fun and feed off of their spirit. I wish I could tell you that I don't know anyone like this but sadly I do. I think we all do. The second type of convert is converted to another church member. Much like the first kind this one feeds off of the other persons spirit as well. They never gain their own testimony and can often be easily offended by other church members and go inactive. My old ward used to tell me they thought this was me. They thought that I was feeding off of my best friend and was only there for her. They were wrong. Shortly after I was baptized she went inactive but I kept going to church every Sunday. I craved the spirit that I felt there. I strived to grow my testimony, I read scriptures and conference talks daily. A few months after I was baptized I went to the temple to do baptisms and I craved to go back as often as I could  I wanted my endowments. This leads me to the third type of convert, the kind that I believe I am and that we should all strive to be, the kind who is truly converted to the gospel. They have their own testimony and it's strong. They want to be a light to others. I actually had a very good friend of mine tell me after I was baptized that I was trying to change everyone around me. However, that wasn't true. I only wanted everyone around me to feel the same joy that I felt. To understand that with God everything is better. Your burdens are lighter, nothing seems impossible anymore. Through Christ all things are possible. No matter how terrible of a sin you think you have committed, you can be forgiven. All of us whether we are born and raised Mormons or are converts should strive to be that third type. To have a strong testimony and be a light to others in need. Never once have I been ashamed to say I am mormon. In fact I want to tell everyone I meet.
I had the glorious opportunity before I moved to sit through lessons with one of my friends and watch her get baptized. I saw the change in her as she went from being a miserable chain smoker, heavy drinker, with the mouth of a trucker. To the good person she is today. I saw her find true happiness. That to me was the most amazing feeling in the world. I don't understand why if there is a way for us to be truly 100% happy that people ignore it. So many people have judged me for the path I chose but I would never go back to my old life. I am a true convert and a deciple of Christ.

Overcoming darkness

When I was 13 my uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He was the primary care giver for my grandpa, and with him now being ill my family left the caregiving responsibility to me. My grandpa made my life miserable and things got so bad that at one point I attempted to take my own life. This was when I was diagnosed with my depression. This has been an extremely difficult trial for me but one step at a time I am overcoming it. For anyone who doesn't understand depression, you feel sad all the time. Like your life doesn't have a purpose. For me, I couldn't see where my life was going. I thought I would never amount to anything. There are days that I still feel like this. However, since finding the gospel I now know that my life does have a purpose. Heavenly father never gives us a trial we can't overcome. I know that heavenly father is always by my side and if I am weak he will give me strength. I find joy now in knowing that I am never alone. Are there days that I still feel overwhelmed by my depression? yes. Are there days that I feel like I will never see light again? Of course there are, but I will not let that stop me. My depression is my trial. each of us is sent here to earth with something that sets us back and it is our ultimate trial. For some it is physical, for others it's emotional, and for some it is mental. These trials are given to us because heavenly father knows we can over come them. He gives his hardest battles to his strongest warriors. I'm not saying that my trial is the hardest there is because it's not but I am still a warrior. My message to anyone who feels like they don't matter or that they aren't worth it is that you do matter. I promise you that heavenly father knows your struggles and is trying to help. You simply have to open your heart to him and listen. My favorite scripture is Ether 12:27 and it reads, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." I love this scripture because I know that I am weak. My depression makes me weak, but if I humble myself and ask heavenly father to help me and strengthen me he will make my weakness a strength. I have come to terms with my depression. Yes, I still struggle but now I share my struggle with others. I want them to know that they are not alone and that the gospel is there to help them. Heavenly father is there to help them. Don't ever give up, you are worth so much whether you know it or not.

From Mess to LDS

Life isn't easy, or at least mine sure hasn't been. I won’t bore you with all the details of what went wrong. Just know that I grew up in a small town in Pennsylvania and religion was the last thing on my mind. I lived next door to a Methodist church and they were some of the worst people I had ever met. (Not saying all Methodists are bad) I was genuinely turned off from any religion. Throughout  high school and college I made some bad choices, drinking, partying, and even street racing. However, to me, Life seemed great or was it... My life was missing something but I had no idea what. Then during my sophomore year of college I was forced to drop out of school and return home to take care of my ill aging parents. This would end up being the best thing that ever happened to me it’s also where my conversion story begins.

I was angry with my parents I thought that they had taken my future away from me, so I didn't move back into my childhood home. Instead I moved in with my best friend and her family. At the time I didn’t know my best friend was a Mormon. Actually I didn’t even know what a Mormon was. What I did know was that she had these boys called missionaries over all the time. Eventually the missionaries became my friends and one night while I was sitting on the couch one of the boys (our name for the elders) came and sat with me. We talked about our lives and how things didn’t always go as planned. It turns out elder Howell had gone through many of the same trials that I had. I asked him how he dealt with it, what helped him. He reached into his bag and handed me a copy of the book of Mormon. As he got up to leave he asked me to promise him something, that I would at least try to read it. I promised knowing full well that I wasn’t even going to touch it. What did I need religion for?

          Well I got the answer to that the next day. My dad called me said my mom had complications coming out of her heart surgery. That she was in the ICU. That drive to the hospital was one of the scariest of my life and once we got there and I sat by my mom's bedside. I didn’t know what to do. I was texting the boys and my best friend about what was going on. Then out of nowhere elder Banks asked me if I had tried praying. Sheepishly I told him no, that I didn’t know how. He called me and taught me how to pray. Kneeling by moms hospital bed I said my first prayer. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace that everything was going to be ok. I stood up and pulled the book of Mormon out of my bag and began to read. That feeling grew and kept growing. I couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe I wanted to know more about why I felt like this. So I picked up my phone texted the missionaries and said I want to take the lessons. Three short months after that fateful text message I was baptized and it was the best decision I had ever made.